Happy New Year! I pray that 2014 catapulted you into 2015 with positivity and strength.
Last year I exercised being fearless. My mantra was “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks!” It was the principle among my tight circle of advisors and you know what? I believed it to my core. I dismissed my fears and threw every single hope, dream, aspiration, goal, desire, hardship, obstacle, and decision at the wall. You still don’t understand?? Let me give you the backdrop. At a very early age I maintained the image of throwing a drinking glass at a brick wall to symbolize losing control. The control was in not losing a handle on a situation to begin with; maintaining order and focus. “Keep it together Amy, handle it Amy” is what I would tell myself. So when the devil began to bombard me with reminders of my past transgressions on a regular basis; I felt like everything was being thrown: drinking glasses, plates, vases, sculptures, lamps, pictures, mirrors, chandeliers, everything.
Those images flashed in my mind constantly and those sounds, sounds of something being broken, rung in my ears. Sometimes it was blinding and deafening. It got to the point where those sounds became my speech. “I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough to get that promotion, I don’t make enough money to afford that, I don’t deserve that opportunity.” Even when I was encouraged by others all I actually heard was the voices in my head, “You’re not going to be successfully at that, if you try you’ll fail and everyone will laugh, it’s expected that you will not rise above your current situation.” It was dark. Very dark and alone.
To really understand where I was, went and where I am now you have to take a glimpse into who I am as a person. I’m an introvert and analyst by nature. So those dark places were naturally my place of refuge to think, to analyze, but they transformed into torture chambers where the devil beat me down constantly. Eventually I got to a point where a voice told me “It’s a choice to stay there!” The moment I chose to step into the light I found comfort. I found strength, grace, mercy and forgiveness. I knew the Lord had forgiven me 10 years ago but the truth is I never really forgave myself.
So I stood in the light and figured I had nothing to lose but fear itself. The Lord ordered my steps, gave me courage to overcome some very emotionally obstacles, the wisdom to get a promotion, courage to start a new job and my own business, strengthened my prayer life, communed with me during mediation and quieted my storms. Peace resided in me and with me. Then late last year the tide slowly began to change. The allure of that dark space became more attractive as I wanted to fade away from the world. I wanted that refuge again, forgetting what existed there. My mind was missing that certain clarity, doubt was emerging, shame and guilt paid a visit and before I knew it there was a storm raging.
USE YOUR TOOLS IN THE MIDST OF ADVERSITY. Challenge, hardships and obstacles will come always. The key is to use what you have to combat it; for me that was/still is prayer, motivational literature and media and support from my circle of advisors. Right before New Year’s I was able to hop on a plane and take a trip (to my spot ;-)). I can’t tell you enough how powerful changing your scenery can be. While there I reflected on my tools again. I kept focusing on it and mulling it over. Then it dawned on me, I have everything I need to change my circumstances around. God has given me access to everything I need. So for that reason this year I am committed to using the hurt, the bitterness, the joy, the love, the failures, the heartache, peace, the celebratory moments, the pain all for the good. I am committed to using everything in me because it serves a purpose; to stand in the light and live the best life I can live. I am committed to using my lemons to make lemonade. It will be difficult I positive of that, but I’m reassured that God didn’t bring me this far to leave me in the cold.
#takemyfoolishadvice Changing the way you view life and the obstacles that comes with it is more effective and life changing than a list of goals and resolutions. With a changed heart and mind you can accomplish more than a list! Happy New Year, let’s see what 2015 brings.